Who did Billy Mays play for?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
