is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
