I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
