When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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