Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I need a beard to bite.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
