do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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