If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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