lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
