As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
