Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize