soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
