No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
