This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
