I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize