i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
