Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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