The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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