I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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