WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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