So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
