I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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