I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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