one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
