Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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