True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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