Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
