My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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