When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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