Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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