Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize