He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
