I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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