i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
