When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
