Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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