I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize