His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
