There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
