My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
