I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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