Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
