She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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