I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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