I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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