I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
