I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Drunk is a universal language darling
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
