you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
