some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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