I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
whose ass print is on the piano?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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