Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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