he wants to bone in the snuggie
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
