I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
