I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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