Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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