I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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