idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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